


Liar

by Lopsided_Whiskey_Grin



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Pining, Poor Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Self-Doubt, Self-Loathing, Song Lyrics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-19
Updated: 2016-03-19
Packaged: 2018-05-27 18:33:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6295249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lopsided_Whiskey_Grin/pseuds/Lopsided_Whiskey_Grin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi's eyes never once faltered from the broad expanse of Erwin’s shoulders, strong and immovable as a mountain in spite of the weight they carried. He would never be that strong. He would never be that worthy. All he could do was support the mountain and build it higher than the walls surrounding them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Liar

**Author's Note:**

> This work was entirely written by my amazing friend, who chooses to remain anonymous. I did light beta work and am posting it on their behalf with their permission.

 

The italicized lyrics are from the song 'Liar' by Emilie Autumn which can be found here:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_r2ywSxuYKE ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_r2ywSxuYKE)

* * *

 

The glaring rays of the sun beat down on the already battered and exhausted members of the Survey Corps as they trudged along, a unit comprised of living corpses caked in blood baked onto their flesh by the orb that mercilessly heated the scorched lands. Each shambling step seemed to be accompanied by a cloud of insects lapping at the dried blood and sweat staining the mass of humanity.

The mission had been a failure. As had most others, some failures were not so severe but they could reach into the abysmal range effortlessly. Some in the unit wept for lost comrades whose remains could not be retrieved; others released only weary sighs to express their pain and exhaustion. In their midst rode a single man, one labeled as Humanity’s Strongest.  He was silent as always, the slight wrinkle of disgust on his nose the only giveaway he was anything but a statue built atop a massive stallion. He wore the most blood of all; not the blood of those monsters he had slayed, but of the other Corps members- those he  _ could  _ save, and those beyond any hope of salvation. He fought so hard to save people because he knew he could never be saved himself.

 

_ I want to hold you to the sun, _

_ I want to be your faithful one. _

_ I want to show you all the beauty _

_ You don't even know you hold. _

_ I'm hurting you for your own good _

_ I'd die for you, you know I would. _

_ I'd give up all my wealth _

_ To buy you back the soul you never sold. _

 

Levi as always, sat atop his beast and stared ahead directly into blinding light -- it was not the sun, though what he stared at held enough power and light to burn his very flesh if he dared to touch. The light he was enthralled by was the Commander himself, Erwin Smith.

Levi knew to keep his distance from the man he had once been sent to kill. The hatred he once held in his heart for this man had grown into something more dangerous: an infatuation. It wasn’t the fear of rejection that made him keep his distance; in fact Erwin had made numerous attempts to build on their unusual relationship with his words so soft and loving, with his promises of a future involving a small house near the sea and slow and comfortable days at the end of the war. Erwin had promised his unending adoration, he needed to have Levi. No, there was no fear of rejection for Levi, but rather the fear of taking something pure and tainting it. 

He kept his distance because this was a man that sent hundreds upon hundreds to their deaths with a few perfumed words and promises of advancing mankind back to their lands and their birthrights. Those were false promises that tasted like ash on his own tongue when he attempted to summarize them for those under his own command.

 

_ I want to mix our blood and put it in the ground _

_ So you can never leave. _

_ I want to win your trust, your faith, your heart _

_ You'll never be deceived. _

_ Liar, liar, liar, liar _

_ Liar, liar, liar, liar _

_ Liar, liar, liar, liar _

_ Liar, liar, liar, liar _

 

He kept his distance because he could never burn brightly enough to stand beside that golden God; his own existence was mired in a lifetime of mud and shit from his wretched past. He was filth and could taint the glory of Erwin Smith by only a simple touch. He had remembered the story one night from Hange about some ancient king who suddenly was granted his wish and everything he touched turned to gold, but the wish took a dark turn and even his flowers, his food, his loved ones turned to cold gold beneath his fingers. It was a fear that wormed its way deep in Levi’s heart like a parasite; that Erwin would change due to his embrace, become impure and crumble away. Everyone he had ever treasured before had done the same when he had finally dared touch them.

Kuchel, his mother, had warned him not to let people close; a message also echoed by Kenny Ackerman. The prophecy had held true enough with Farlan, Isabel, Petra -- so many other faces burned in his nightmares that haunted him. They had all come too close to him and ended up scattered into countless pieces to be devoured by the Titans, the birds, the worms. They all became shit in one sense or another. Filth, like him.

He could never love Erwin Smith, not in the way he wanted. All he could do was to make those words whispered at fundraising events in the Capitol the truth, make those proudly roared words to the men carry some meaning that would keep them fighting a hopeless, never-ending battle. He would bring glory and prestige to the man with every fallen monster, with every square meter of land they could start to reclaim for humanity. He was not a smart, educated man like the Commander -- he had no formal education. The only thing Levi  _ did _ know was killing. Killing and fucking. So he would give Erwin what he needed; support on the field, honor in battle, and a necessary release after those long days.

 

_ I want to heal you pretty sweet. _

_ I'll throw rose petals at your feet. _

_ I'll spend eternity _

 

_ comparing all my poetry to yours. _

_ I want to see love through your eyes. _

_ You'll never have to compromise. _

_ I'll give up all my fame _

_ To fight your demons and your bloody wars. _

  
  


He could already sense tonight would be a hard and unemotional coupling in Erwin’s dark chambers. But Levi was so tired. The battle and his sleepless nights haunted by the visages of those he failed imprinted in his memory and scalded into his psyche and took its inevitable toll.

As his steed stepped into a small divot he could feel his stomach knot in agony over the deep gash slowly oozing crimson down his side and making the starched white fabric of his uniform cling uncomfortably to his thigh, hip and stomach. Gripping the reins, he adjusted in his saddle to straighten his stiff spine only to be reminded of the severely torn ligament in his left leg thanks to a rough landing to retrieve a fallen soldier from the very jaws of death. Levi wanted to point out how literal that rescue had been but he was not a poetic man like Erwin. In spite of his pains he would give the Commander everything he needed tonight to release his own tensions from leading another doomed unit to hell and back. He would always give Erwin everything he could, and take nothing.

He knew in the end the only way they would be together was as broken bodies soaking the ground with rivers of blood, on the battlefield of hell, where only demons dared to go.

 

_ Are you suffering? _

_ I want your suffering. _

_ I want your beautiful suffering. _

_ I want to see your pain. _

 

_ Are you suffering? _

_ I want your suffering. _

_ I want your beautiful suffering. _

_ I want it, I want it. _

 

Levi’s gunmetal grey eyes narrowed as they approached the gates and pushed through the crowds of angry citizens, their roars of outrage little more than the sounds of wind against his chapped ears as they passed. His eyes never once faltered from the broad expanse of Erwin’s shoulders, strong and immovable as a mountain in spite of the weight they carried. He would never be that strong. He would never be that worthy. All he could do was support the mountain and build it higher than the walls surrounding them. He could do that much, but he could never love the God walking among them as a man.

 

_ Liar, liar, liar, liar! _

_ Liar, liar, liar, liar! _

_ Liar, liar, liar, liar! _

_ Liar, liar, liar, liar! _

 

_ I want to mix our blood and put it in the ground _

_ So you can never leave! _

_ I want to mix our blood and put it in the ground _

_ So you can never leave! _


End file.
